after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
