This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
