my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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