my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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