Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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