Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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