My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
