I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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