Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
