I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I supernannyed him into submission
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
