my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
