Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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