New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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