the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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