And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize