He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
