nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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