I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
