I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
