moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
