Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
