Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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