Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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