Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
