NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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