I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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