would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
