I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
