My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
