do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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