remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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