I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
