Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
