End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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