Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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