you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize