Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You've changed since you got that strap on
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
