Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
