you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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