Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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