mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
