3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
