good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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