she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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