mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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