I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize