Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
