I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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