I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sorry my hands just texted you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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