i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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