just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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