okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
