so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
