well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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