Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
