Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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