There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
