so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
