I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This baby is an asshole
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
