On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
