I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
