i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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