evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
