...so i touched it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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