In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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