It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
