apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
